The Ultimate Limerick
by Bluemoonalto
Summary: Nantukos, the evil muse of limerick poetry, took control of my mind and forced me to summarize The Ultimate Enemy in five line verse. 61 limericks in all, and as God is my witness, I'll never limerick again!
1. Chapter 1

About six years ago I endured a visit from Nantukos, the evil muse of limerick poetry. She took over my life for several days and forced me to summarize an episode of Due South in twenty-two limericks, even though I had never written limericks (or any other form of poetry) before. It was a horrible experience, and when I finished the "Epic Limerick from Heck" I swore I'd never limerick again.

What can I say? She's ba-a-a-a-ck! I'm resisting as hard as I can, but I spent an hour at the office this morning trying to come up with rhymes for "Nasty Sauce."

This is a work in progress. I don't know if I will be able to finish it, although I won't have much choice as long as Nantukos stays stuck in my head. I never expected to have this many limericks done in less than a day! 

Disclaimer:

It's painfully obvious to see  
that this episode's not owned by me.  
I'll borrow it briefly  
for poetry, chiefly  
then return it to Butch gratefully.

The Ultimate Limerick

by: Bluemoonalto

While Valerie checked out the tower  
at Amity's last peaceful hour,  
Dark Dan interrupted—  
defenses corrupted!—  
"Hey, girlfriend! Check out my new power!"

Observants observed it with scorn:  
but non-intervention they'd sworn.  
"Unforgivable crime,"  
said the Master of Time,  
"'twas better he never was born!"

Cue Credits: A lad of fourteen  
inspected his parents' machine.  
inside he was trapped,  
his DNA zapped,  
and now he can fly, phase unseen.

Said Lancer, "Please make no mistake,  
C.A.T's the worst test you will take.  
"Ignore it? Your loss!  
Ivy League? Nasty Sauce?  
It's only your future at stake!"

Jazz saw that her brother was stuck,  
the sample test gave him no luck.  
She shared her trump card:  
"Number one: study hard;  
number two: do your best; and three: DUCK!"

Clockwork brought in a little ghost lass,  
"You'll help me resolve this morass.  
We'll give him one chance;  
you just show him your dance.  
There's a much harder test he must pass!"

"The Box Ghost and Lunch Lady? Ew!  
That's an image I'll never undo.  
I've a strategy that'll  
award me this battle,  
using highly explosive _au jus_."

The restaurant barely survived,  
but Danny's good fortunes revived.  
For the answer key packet  
was stuck to his back—it  
seemed his rosy future'd arrived.

The observants said, "Clockwork, you blew it!"  
Tucker said, "Sam, we can't let him do it!"  
Sam replied with aplomb,  
"I am not Danny's mom.  
It's his choice. He has to work through it."

There followed a timely intrusion  
by a ghostly/mechanical fusion.  
Danny said with despair,  
"What? This just isn't fair!  
Are all of my foes in collusion?"

Tuck hacked in with his PDA  
And sent Skulk/Tech flying away.  
Danny followed him skyward,  
And then fell, or so I heard:  
I guess flagpoles just don't work that way.

oooo0ooooo

If anybody knows how to exorcise an evil muse, please let me know!


	2. Chapter 2

Well, it looks like Nantukos isn't going to leave me alone any time soon. I've been up since 4:00 am on a Saturday morning, writing limericks. You have no idea how much I hate this.

oooo0oooo

"Please give Danny my ultimatum,"  
said Lancer. "Miss Fenton, persuade him!  
I know that he's crooked  
(though not how he took it);  
it's what I overheard that betrayed him."

Though Skulk/Tech put on a good show,  
the PDA brought them down low.  
The medallion was lost,  
to the ghost zone they're tossed,  
with three helpless humans in tow.

The kids saw Dark Dan go berserk,  
Destroying the town with a smirk,  
"So is that the result,  
when you are an adult?  
I have some bad news: you're a jerk!"

Danny watched all this action with glee,  
then he crowed, "Wow! Is that really me?  
What an awesome display!  
I'll be godlike someday,  
although. . . to an evil degree."

"Introductions? I'm Clockwork, your host,  
a most powerful, time-tripping ghost.  
It's my grave obligation  
to save that population,  
I'm sorry, young Daniel, you're toast!

Danny tried to show Clockwork a bad 'tude,  
"Hey—I don't have to take this from you, dude.  
The ghost replied, "Child,  
I can't let you run wild.  
Your behavior puts me in a foul mood."


	3. Chapter 3

I spent the day in Washington DC, touring the Air and Space Museum. I should have known better than to try to hide from a MUSE in a MUSEum. Every few minutes I had to sit down and scribble in a notebook. . . and here's the result.

ooooo0ooooo

They fled to the future—and found  
Phantom's not the sole danger around.  
Val was on the attack,  
but was taken aback;  
"You're both dead! How are you safe and sound?"

Tucker protested, "This is obscene!  
How can this be fair? What do you mean?  
Now I'm much too depressed  
to do well on that test,  
I'm too handsome to die at fourteen!"

Then Valerie took careful aim.  
"Yes you're dead, and the Phantom's to blame!"  
The grownup Dan said, "It  
is all to my credit.  
Not that boy, but who he became.

"Let you live? No, that isn't my style."  
It was clear his intentions were vile.  
Then he tossed Val aside;  
Danny gave her a ride.  
"You thought that I had a cute smile?"

Phantom focused attention anew  
on his childhood compatriots, who  
didn't take it too well  
when old FentonWorks fell:  
"For the record, I blame this on you."

"I'll doff this medallion and leave!"  
"Not so fast," said Dan, "for I believe  
I've a plan—not too shoddy—  
fuse this into your body,  
from which even a ghost can't retrieve."

When Sam and Tuck opened their eyes,  
They were safe, much to Tucker's surprise.  
They were back in the past,  
Sam said, "I acted fast  
'cause I don't like to accessorize."

Jazz told Tuck and Sam to stand still,  
"There's a dark secret Danny must spill.  
Tell him he's on the brink—  
I know more than you think—  
Either he tells the truth, or I will!"

Young Danny then found himself on  
a ruined memorial lawn.  
Saw the answer he sought in  
"They're gone, not forgotten,"  
But as for poor Lancer, just "Gone."

"Well, I can't let my cover be blown,  
so I'll send you off to the Ghost Zone."  
Phantom altered his face,  
and he took Danny's place,  
and returned to his childhood alone.

"There's no more need to intervene!"  
(What did we do when I was a teen?  
It was Playstation 3,  
Doom, X-Box and Wii,  
then raging against the machine!)


	4. Chapter 4

Still going!

Danny drifted around through the void;  
all his enemies were quite annoyed.  
The Box Ghost, "_Beware_,"  
and 13 in a chair,  
and Ember's poor voice was destroyed.

Jasmine tried to get Danny's attention  
"I'm here to do an intervention.  
See, I already knew,  
and I covered for you,  
But cheating requires prevention!"

Phantom found Jasmine's threat quite amusing,  
"You have no idea who you're accusing."  
He showed his true shape.  
"You will never escape!  
And for the time being, start snoozing!"

Jazz awoke the next day, stiff with fright,  
"I have to help set this all right!"  
Used a Fenton device  
to send Danny advice;  
threw it off on a decade-long flight.

It's a twist on the ages-old tale,  
Danny's fourteen years old and he's male.  
Hormonal upheaval,  
it's puberty (evil)!  
He let loose his first ghostly wail.

Jasmine's note hit him smack on the head.  
I believe this is what the note said:  
"The best answer is 'B,'  
to Vlad you should flee—  
A ghost's taking the test in your stead!"

Dan sat there in school, calm and bold,  
thinking all circumstances controlled.  
he saw Jazz peeking in,  
guessed she was seeking him,  
so his duplicate knocked her out cold.

A football showed Danny the way.  
(Not green and gold? That's not Green Bay!)  
And there he found Vlad,  
sitting weary and sad,  
and asked him what happened that day.

"They died quickly, if that's consolation.  
I understood your situation.  
You begged, in your grief,  
only seeking relief,  
for a radical ghost operation."

I did it with some apprehension;  
it really was not my intention  
to be his first victim.  
I couldn't restrict him—  
and your human half's fate. . . I won't mention."


	5. Chapter 5

"If anything good came from this,  
it's that now I infrequently miss  
my powers. You see,  
from obsession I'm free,  
and this photo helps me reminisce."

"Ta-da!" Danny turned in his test,  
His score is a personal best.  
So said Mr. Lancer:  
"I don't have all the answers.  
Mrs. Fenton? I have a request."

"I have to come right to the point:  
Your son's record will disappoint.  
So plan to arrive  
for a conference at five  
at his favorite hamburger joint."

"I still have the gloves for dissecting;  
They might serve for medallion ejecting.  
I could kill you, I guess,  
and prevent all this mess.  
I bet that's not what you were expecting!"

Said Lancer, "I thought you should know  
how a cheater's bleak future could go."  
Then Tucker and Sam  
shouted, "All of you—scram!  
'Cause the Nasty Sauce vat's gonna blow!"

Everyone had arrived, but the squealer—  
there she is, all dressed up in the Peeler.  
Jazz shouted the truth,  
stripped away Phantom's youth,  
she's a Fenton Imposter-Revealer!

The climactic battle's begun;  
Jack and Maddie each pulled out a gun.  
They went all judgmental  
with outrage parental:  
"Tell us what have you done with our son?"

"I am your son!" Dan said. "Surprised?"  
I wasn't all that well disguised.  
I was just playing games  
with those similar names.  
Ever notice? Well, Jazz realized!

"I wonder where you got the notion  
you could stop this impending commotion.  
I've a meeting with fate,  
but it's you who'll be. . ._ late_,  
from a Nasty Sauce boiler explosion."

"Hey, old man! I'm this family's protector,  
And you are no Fenton respecter.  
These gauntlets helped Dad  
defeat "Uncle Vlad,"  
and remember the Specter Deflector?


	6. Chapter 6

It's done.

Sixty-one limericks.

And now that I've got this off my mind, it will probably be at least another seven years before I have the urge to limerick again. Many thanks to you guys for hanging in with me during this temporary insanity, especially to everyone who reviewed and encouraged this strange project. You guys brightened my days.

If you enjoy my. . . uh. . . _poetry_. . .consider visiting my website (there's a link in my profile) to read my rhymed review of_ The Fright Before Christmas. I_f you're at all curious about my prose, check out _Schroedinger's Anniversary _(in progress--I should have been working on that instead of writing limericks!)or the completed stories_ A Thermos for Valerie _and_ Side Two, Merge._

Will somebody please e-mail me some aspirin?

"Folks, I promise I will not allow  
this to happen. That's my solemn vow.  
Turn into him? Never!  
My lifetime endeavor.  
(Hey Lancer! Make sense to you, now?)

"Will you waste me?" asked Danny, "Demented!  
It's your own life that's being prevented."  
"You don't get it, you fool!  
Only time is the tool  
I'm still here; I can't be circumvented!"

The battle was running amok.  
And you know? It was just Phantom's luck  
that his hair conflagration  
could lead to cremation  
when he hit a petroleum truck.

Four Phantoms 'round Danny revolving:  
"You can't prevent me from evolving!"  
"By the promise I swore,  
you should be. . . nevermore!"  
"You're a child! Who cares what you're resolving?"

The answer he gave was laconic.  
"I PROMISED!" he cried. It's ironic  
that two words would work  
to disable the jerk  
when the emphasis went supersonic.

Phantom asked, "Is it too much to ask  
how you learned to accomplish that task?"  
Though a building was razed,  
Dan emerged from it, dazed,  
And got caught in a ghost vacuum flask.

Danny tried to transform, but he failed;  
seems the forces of evil prevailed.  
The hands of time stayed,  
bird's eye on the parade;  
time goes marching on, but he bailed.

Danny's willing to take all the heat.  
"The answers just fell at my feet!  
There's no way to conceal  
that I've broken the seal,  
But I'm telling you: I'll never cheat!"

Danny waited with cold apprehension,  
but Lancer relieved all his tension.  
"I'll give you a break,  
and the make-up you'll take.  
You can study all week in detention!"

Jasmine watched him confess what he did do,  
concerned about all he had been through.  
"I've now told my brother,  
we'll trust one another.  
But this will take some getting used to!"

And finally. . . drum roll, please. . . .

The observants cried Clockwork's disgrace,  
"You must now defend his resting place!"  
Let the future beware,  
for the signs are all there:  
First the laughter, and then. . . .

Fist—

Fist—

Face!


End file.
